28th
Onion Horoscopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A wise man once said, “树倒猢狲散.” Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
